Dog Jokes

Talking Dog

This guy sees a sign in front of a house, "Talking Dog for Sale."  He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.  The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
"You talk?", he asks.
"Yep", the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.  I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting aroundreally tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.  So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering nearsuspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed.  He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.  The owner says "Ten dollars."
The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing.  Why on earth are you selling him?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar."

Dogs and Cats

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

Puppy Property Laws

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
6. If I saw it first, it's mine.
7. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
8. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.

Slow Day In Heaven

It was a slow day in Heaven so God called Satan.  "Hey ..it's a slow day here in Heaven, how about putting on a dog show? "I've got all the dogs here!"

Satan agreed, "Yeah it's dead around here too, but why are you calling me?"

God laughs and replies, "You've got all the judges!"

The Blonde & The K-9 Patrol Dispatch

The police department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident.  Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.  She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do?  They send a BLIND policeman!"

Dogs in Heat

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?'  Mum says, 'No, because the dog is in heat.'
'What's that mean?' asks the child.  'Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage'.

The little girl goes to the garage and says. 'Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mum but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you.'

Dad says, 'Bring Susie over here.' He takes a rag, soaks it with gasoline, and scrubs the dog's rear with it and says, 'OK, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block.'

The little girl leaves and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Dad says, 'Where's Susie"'  The little girl says, 'Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there's another dog pushing her home.

The Vet Bill

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work,
checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, Woof".

The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also checked out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow."
He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600.
 
The dog's owner went postal. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is Outrageous!"

The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the Cat scan..."

How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
DACHSHUND: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
ROTTWEILER: Make me.
LAB: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
GERMAN SHEPHERD: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
POODLE: I'll get to it when I've finished my hair and my nails are dry.
COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark
IRISH WOLFHOUND: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.....
AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle.
OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?
HOUND DOG: ZZZZZZzzzzz.z.z.z..z..z..z...z

How Many Cats Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs.
So, the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?

All of which proves, once again, that while dogs have masters, cats have staff...

TOP 10 REASONS TO BREED YOUR DOG

1. Thought the house was too orderly
2. Never did like having a full nights sleep
3. Wanted my Vet to get a new BMW
4. Thought the furniture looked too nice
5. Love the sounds of puppies in the morning, noon, afternoon, evening, midnight, predawn, etc.
6. Garden and backyard needed renovations, and didn't want to pay a gardener.
7. Neighbors didn't complain enough
8. Kids weren't enough of a challenge
9. If you can train & show one dog, why not ten?
10. Wanted to see if spouse really meant those vows.