More Dog Jokes

PORTUGUESE PROVERB:

"A house without either a cat or a dog is the house of a scoundrel."

A Doggie Dictionary

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards;  the person then swerves and falls into the bushes and you prance away.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of tea or coffee.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady that affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guestroom or the newly upholstered sofa in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require....especially effective when combined with The Sniff.

LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit!", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

LEASH: A strap that attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

RUBBISH BIN: A container that your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dogs rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old sweet wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea"    --Robert A. Heinlein

Top 10 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers

10.  T0o0p hqa5rxd 6tt0[o 6ty[p3e 2w9igtjh;pa3wds      (Too hard to type with paws) 
9.    "Sit" & "stay" were hard enough; "delete" & "save" are out of the question. 
8.    Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work. 
7.    Carpal Paw Syndrome. 
6.    Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway he's browsing purina.com 
5.    Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating. 
4.    Can't help attacking the screen when he hears, "you've got mail". 
3.    Too messy to mark every Web site he visits. 
2.    Fetch command not available on all platforms. 
1.    Can't stick his head out of Windows 98.

Dog Rules

1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for a very good reason, the dog house.

2. Okay, the dog can enter the house but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.

3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis provided his dog house can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.

4. Indise the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.

5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever he pleases.

6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.

7. Okay, the dog can get up on the old furniture but not on the new.

8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we'll sell the whole works and buy new furniture on which the dog will most definitely not be allowed on.

9. The dog never sleeps on the bed.  Period.

10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed only.

11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he's not allowed under the covers.

12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on your pillow.

13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, under the covers with his head on your pillow, but if he snores, he's got to leave the room.

14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in your bed, but he's not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where you're now sleeping. That's just not fair.

15. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary resident," even if it's true.

Top 10 Reasons To Have A Dog

10 - I love hair in my coffee.
9 - Never did like having a full nights sleep.
8 - Wanted my Vet to get a new BMW.
7 - Thought the furniture looked too nice.
6 - Love the sounds of puppies in the morning, noon, afternoon, evening, midnight, pre-dawn, etc.
5 - Garden and backyard needed renovations, and didn't want to pay a gardener.
4 - Neighbors didn't complain enough.
3 - Kids weren't enough of a challenge .
2 - If you can train and show one dog, why not ten?
1 - Wanted to see if spouse really meant those vows. 

Decorating Doggie-Style 

God's Replies To Dogs' Letters

Dear God,
Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?  Where are their priorities?
Dear Dog,
That was my intention.  If they did smell one another, all human families would have a litter of 12 to 18 kids.

Dear God,
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Dear Dog,
No dear friend.  Feel free to eat the couch.

Dear God,
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!
Dear Dog,
You've never heard of Greyhound Bus, or seen the hood ornament of a Mack truck?

Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear Dog,
No. It is the human who is bad for not coming to see why it is you are barking.

Dear God,
Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?
Dear Dog,
No, that is a rumor the cats started. The tables have 3 inch legs.

Dear God,
If we come back as humans, is that good, or bad?
Dear Dog,
It depends on how you treat your dog.

Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear Dog,
Would you like some Italians with that?

Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
Dear Dog,
Yes. (But don't tell the humans - it's the secret way in.)

Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear Dog,
Hmmm...not much.

Dear God,
Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the schnauzer across the street!
Dear Dog,
I have given every populated world its own dog equivalent. The lead species of each needs your love and devotion.

Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear Dog,
No. Humans have their sports, mailmen are yours.

Dear God,
Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets thing again?
Dear Dog,
No. It's just because not all of you dogs live in Great Britain.

Dear God,
May I have my testicles back?
Dear Dog,
Yes. I often wonder if I shouldn't have left them off most humans.

THINGS I MUST REMEMBER AS A DOG
(In order to keep my present living arrangements) 

1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed

4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

5. I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.

6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.

7. I will not throw up in the car.

8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.

9. I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.

10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

12. I will not chew my humans' toothbrushes and not tell them.

13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

16. I will not steal my mom's thong underwear and dance all over the backyard with them.

17. The sofa is not a face towel.

18. Neither are mom & dad's laps. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's driver's license and car registration.

20. I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

21. I will not eat mint-flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage; I do not want a string hanging out of my butt.

22. I will not roll around in the dirt right after just getting a bath.

23. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.

24. I will not hump on any person's leg just because I thought they needed a good hump.

25. I will not fart in my owners' faces while sleeping on the pillow next to their head.

26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet. 

27. The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and, just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner. 

28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.

29. I will remember that suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room.

30. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

How to Prepare for a Puppy

Pour cold apple juice on the carpet in several places and walk around barefoot in the dark. 

Wear a sock to work that has had the toes shredded by a blender. 

Immediately upon waking, stand outside in the rain and dark saying, "Be a good puppy, go potty now - hurry up - come on, lets go!" 

Cover all your best suits with dog hair. Dark suits must use white hair, and light suits must use dark hair. 

Float some hair in your first cup of coffee in the morning. 

Play "catch" with a wet tennis ball. 

Run out in the snow in your bare feet to close the gate. 

Tip over a basket of clean laundry, scatter clothing all over the floor. 

Leave your underwear on the living room floor, because that's where the dog will drag it anyway, especially when you have company. 

Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your favorite TV program and run to the door shouting, "No no! Do that OUTSIDE!" Miss the end of the program. 

Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the morning, and don't try to clean it up until you return from work that evening. 

Gouge the leg of the dinning room table several times with a screwdriver -it's going to get chewed on anyway. 

Take a warm and cuddly blanket out of the dryer and immediately wrap it around yourself.   This is the feeling you will get when your puppy falls asleep on your lap. 

--Author Unknown